


Some kind of heaven

by pixiedust22



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M, rpf guilt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-06-19 16:44:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15514140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixiedust22/pseuds/pixiedust22
Summary: He really had nothing to complain about. She probably wanted a shower, her own pyjamas and toothbrush. It wasn’t a rejection.Still, his bed felt very empty that night.





	1. First Night

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to songs_and_fairytales for betaing this for me! I’m new to writing both smut and rpf so a lot to navigate.

He slammed the door shut behind them with his foot, his hands far too busy trying to peel her jacket off as they stumbled into the hallway, unwilling to let go of each other for even a moment. Once he’d finally got her jacket off - quite a feat as his lips never once left hers, and he therefore had some trouble seeing what he was doing - he realised they were still both wearing their shoes and that this would likely require some more coordination.

 

“Shoes,” he muttered and she groaned into his mouth, impatiently pulling at his hair. Reluctantly, he separated himself from her long enough to yank his shoes off. Alex’s took a bit longer as she was wearing those silly strappy-heel things she hated so much, so he took the opportunity to remove his jacket just as she kicked her shoes across the floor, swiftly grabbing him again, leaving him dropping his jacket - not that he cared. “Alex,” he forced himself to pull away for a moment. “Alex, I have to… I have to ask. Are you absolutely _sure_?”

 

Her answer was to grin and start quickly unbuttoning his dress shirt, and with a wicked voice worthy of River Song she whispered “ _yeees_ ”.

 

Well, there was no way he could stop now, even if he wanted to (which he really, _really_ didn’t), not now she’d taken his shirt off and was placing kisses down his chest, and _oh god_ her tongue was in his belly button and he never even knew that was something he liked, but before he could think too hard about that, she was going lower, starting to unbuckle his belt.

 

As tempting as that was, she was terribly overdressed and he desperately wanted to even the odds a little. Grabbing her by the shoulders, he pulled her back up and kissed her again, his hands wandering to her back, trying to figure out the fastening of her dress. Once he finally unzipped her, she pulled away and let the dress pool on the floor and all he could do was _stare_.

 

He wasn’t ashamed to admit that he’d seen her naked on film before - who hadn’t? - but the screen in no way did her justice. Her breasts were round and full, and even through her bra he could see her nipples were standing at attention. Their movement as she breathed was mesmerising and he had to pull his gaze away to appreciate the full display of perfection that was standing before him. Her stomach was nicely toned and near enough flat, with faint marks left behind from pregnancy - in his opinion they only made her more beautiful - and where her hips flared out he couldn’t help looking just a little lower to see a wet patch already starting to form on her white cotton knickers. His eyes flicking back up to her face, he noticed she had dropped her gaze and was chewing on her lip. It suddenly occurred to him that she may have taken his prolonged admiration of her features the wrong way. Well, he couldn’t have that. Taking a step towards her, he pressed her up against the wall and began to place wet kisses down her neck, grinning as he heard her breath hitch.

 

“Never in my life,” he whispered between kisses, “have I seen anything so gorgeous.”

 

“Liar,” she gasped, but he could _hear_ the smile in her voice. _Hear it?_ He wondered briefly when exactly he’d become _that_ attuned to her.

 

“Hm, often but not today,” he mumbled into her clavicle. More than a little impatient, he began an attempt at the clasp of her bra. He was usually pretty good at this - impressive even - but the pure intoxication he was feeling (and nervousness, he had to admit) from being so close to her, actually _this_ close, led him to fumble more than once.

 

Luckily it seemed like she didn’t really notice, busy with her second attempt to get his belt off. Pulling it through the loops with a victorious grin, she threw it on the floor and cupped him through his pants.

 

“ _Fuck,_ ” he shouted, her hand on him like _that_ was almost too much and he started to feel some concern about exactly how long he could last. Luckily, he finally figured out the bloody clasp and she wriggled out of her bra quickly leaving her breasts entirely bare for him.

 

 _For him_.

 

He liked that. “I’m thinking we should - _oh_ -”  he gasped as she grabbed him again, clearly determined to make him come in his pants, “take this somewhere more… horizontal?”

 

“Fine by me,” she let go of him and took a step back. The result was him staring at her breasts like some prepubescent boy seeing a naked woman for the first time - _for God’s sake get it together Matt_ \- until he realised this was his place and although she _knew_ where his bedroom was, it was probably up to him to take her there.

 

_Take her to his bed._

 

The reality of the situation hit him and it was _insane_ . She was standing there in her knickers waiting for _him._ He really, really was a very lucky boy. With a sense of glee he grabbed her by the waist and she actually _squealed_ as he hoisted her up, her legs wrapped around his waist.

 

“Really now,” she teased. “I thought _horizontal_ was the plan.”

 

“Getting there,” he tightened his arms around her - dropping her right now would be a very bad thing - “but walking seemed so boring.”

 

She giggled and buried her face in his neck, nipping and biting, and he probably _would_ have dropped her from those sensations if his bedroom hadn’t been so close to the hallway - bless the architect.

 

He dropped her on the unmade bed and was on top of her not even a second later. He kissed her gently and she seemed to sense the change in pace he was asking for, _needed_ really if he didn’t want to explode. Alex settled down on the pillows, letting him explore her at will. Dropping her hands on the mattress by her head, she allowed him to take control, take whatever he wanted from her. He wanted desperately for this to _last_ but at the same time this relinquishment of power on her part, her willingness to _let him_ was exhilarating. He started by paying proper attention to her breasts, sucking and nipping at one while gently massaging the other before switching, the sound of her moans going straight to his cock. Satisfied that she was at least close to being as wound up as he was, he started kissing lower until he reached the waistband of her knickers. He paused, looking up at her. She was staring at him, her eyes dark and her lip between her teeth, shivering slightly. Yet, her hands remained passive on the mattress, as if saying _I trust you_.

 

Slowly, he peeled her last garment off her, gently lifting each leg to discard it, placing a path of gentle kisses from her knees up towards her inner thighs, delighting in how she shivered beneath his touch. Eventually he was near to his goal and he could feel how she tensed in anticipation. Experimentally, he parted her folds with two fingers and ran one up the length of her. Well, if he’d had any doubts about her being as wound up as he was, he certainly didn’t anymore. She was positively _drenched._

 

With a grin, he dove in and began gently lapping at her clit, earning a cry from Alex as she finally gave up on her self-imposed discipline and tangled her fingers in his hair, urging him on with breathy moans. Stiffening his tongue, he dipped it just barely inside her, his cock twitching at the sensation and the thoughts of _himself_ inside her. He wanted to please her first though. Not that, by the sound of Alex’s moaning, he was having any problems in that department.

 

“Wait,” she suddenly panted, pulling away from him. He looked up, confused. “Too much,” she explained breathlessly. “Want you.”

 

His eyes widening as he understood her meaning, he instantly complied, kicking off his trousers and boxers, then climbing up her body until they were lined up perfectly.

 

With a grin, she flipped them over so he was on his back, and pulled herself up, hovering above him. “Can’t wait any longer,” she moaned and he silently agreed, placing his hands on her hips to steady her - and maybe hurry things up a bit.

 

His eyes rolled into the back of his head as she finally sank down on him. She was hot and tight and _heavenly._ Her eyes half-closed, she took a moment to adjust before starting to move, biting her lip in concentration. He helped her out as best he could, lifting her up and down on his cock but refraining from thrusting up into her, content for her to set the pace. Soon though, her movements became more erratic and she began to cry out a little louder each time she sank down on him. He began to thrust upwards, eager to follow her into bliss, but too soon she gave a cry of his name and tightened impossibly around him before collapsing on his chest.

 

He gave her a moment to come down off her high before flipping them over and, after a small affirming nod from Alex, began to fuck her hard into the mattress. Her walls were still contracting around him and it only took a few thrusts before he was yelling out her name as he came inside her. He could feel her stroking his back as he lowered himself down, his softening cock still inside her.

 

“You ok?” she whispered after a few moments.

 

“Ok?” He looked down at her with a grin. “I’m bloody brilliant! Um, are you ok? Sorry, am I crushing you?”

 

“You’re fine, darling,” she chuckled as he carefully pulled himself out and rolled off her. “So am I. Fine, I mean. Good. It was good.”

 

He wrapped an arm around her, snuggling his face into her shoulder. “Good enough to repeat?”

 

She laughed. “Well, not _now_.”

 

He smiled against her skin. “As exciting as I’m sure that would be, I sort of meant another night. Not that I’m trying to get ahead of myself or anything…”

 

“You’re not,” she reassured him, her fingers absentmindedly playing with his hair. “And I think I might be available on _another night_.” With a sigh she sat up and stretched before reaching for her knickers, the only piece of her clothing that had made it to the bedroom.

 

Watching her put them on and stand up, he blinked. “Um… where are you going?”

 

She turned around, giving him another look at those gorgeous breasts, and frowned. “Back to my flat?”

 

“Oh. Ok.” He pushed himself up on his elbow. “It’s kinda late. You could stay, you know.”

 

“That’s very sweet but I’m right across the hall, remember? And I’m gonna need a shower anyway. Thanks for the offer though, darling.” She flashed him a last smile before she walked out of the room, leaving him a little confused.

 

He could hear her rummaging around outside, probably locating her clothes. Lying back against the pillow, he took a deep breath. This was OK, wasn’t it? He _had_ hoped they’d fall asleep together, all nakedness and tangled limbs, him making her breakfast in bed in the morning, feeding her fruit and croissants - OK, it would be toast as that was all he had, but the sentiment was there. But he’d just had amazing sex with _Alex_ , how could he complain? Not to mention the promise (almost promise) of a repeat performance. No, he told himself as he heard the front door gently shut, he really had nothing to complain about. She probably wanted a shower, her own pyjamas and toothbrush. It wasn’t a rejection.

 

Still, his bed felt very empty that night.


	2. The morning and the night after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It felt almost domestic, he realised as he accepted the glass of his wine that she handed him. Alex rummaging around in the kitchen as if she belonged there, lounging on the sofa while they waited for pizza to arrive. It was something he hadn’t felt since Daisy, and even then it had never been this natural. But Alex wasn’t his girlfriend, he reminded himself. She was a good friend who, for some bizarre reason, wanted to have sex with him. Right now though, it was hard to see what the difference was between the two.

As soon as he got into work, he went for the drinks cart to make Alex a cup of tea. Ok, it was a bit of a pathetic gesture given the incredible - life changing, possibly - experience the previous night but he wasn’t sure if bringing ten thousand red roses and falling to his knees declaring his eternal devotion to her body would be appropriate. Also, Alex liked tea.

 

Part of him was also worried, he realised as he was stirring the tiny splash of milk - just as she liked it - into the hot liquid. Ecstatic, yes, and  _ thoroughly  _ satisfied, but also worried what she might have thought of their actions in the cold light of day. Or even as soon as she left his bed, which she’d done rather quickly. He supposed, in a way, this cup of tea could be either a sign of affection or apology. Not that he had anything to apologise for, really. He hadn’t pressured her into anything, he reasoned as he went over to hair and make-up, a sure place to find her first thing in the morning. Or had he? He bit his lip as his mind raced over the events of the previous night, but as it turned out he needn’t have bothered.

 

Alex gave him a warm smile as he walked in and accepted the tea gratefully. “Oh,  _ thank you _ darling, I’ve been stuck here forever - apparently I have terrible bed hair this morning,” she threw him a  _ you know what I mean  _ glance, “and the tea cart wasn’t ready when I got here. She took a sip of her tea and her features softened. There really was nothing more blissful than Alex Kingston’s face when she had her first cup of tea in the morning.

 

Well, maybe one or two things.

 

“So everything good with you?” He asked, trying to sound nonchalant - there were plenty of onlookers. “Sleep well?”

 

“Mm,” she nodded. “Amazing. Best sleep ever.” Her eyes twinkled teasingly at him above her teacup.

 

He grinned. “Me too. Don’t think I’ve  _ ever  _ slept that well.” He hadn’t really, having agonised over her decision to leave for at least an hour before going to sleep, but he had a feeling that wasn’t really what they were talking about.

 

She continued calmly sipping her tea as the finishing touches were applied to her hair. “Got any plans later?”

 

His heart leaped in his chest. “Nope. Probably just going to have a quiet night in.”

 

“That sounds lovely.” She smirked. “I think I’ll do the same.”

 

Just as he was about to deliver some - probably awful - innuendo, Karen walked in, sitting down in the chair next to Alex with a loud huff. Someone  _ hadn’t  _ slept well.

 

“Morning,” Alex greeted the redhead, her eyes still on Matt.

 

Karen groaned in response. “Why do they make parties on work nights?” She complained. “I didn’t get to sleep until three.”

 

“Hmm,” Alex nodded in response. “That’s tough.”

 

“Kind of your own fault for not leaving earlier though,” Matt added, earning himself a death glare from Karen.

 

“Just because you  _ once  _ managed to pull yourself away from a party at a reasonable time doesn’t make you some bloody role model,” she scoffed. “I mean I expect it from her,” she waved in Alex’s direction, “but you’re supposed to be my partner in self-inflicted misery. I mean, when have you ever left a party  _ before midnight _ ?”

 

Matt threw Alex a guilty glance. “Well, I knew we had to be up early, so…”

 

Karen shook her head. “She’s a bad influence on you, you know.” Throwing an apologetic glance at Alex, she added; “no offence.”

 

“Oh, that’s quite all right. And I’m not judging. I just find there are other things I prefer to partying these days.” She smiled innocently, sipping her tea.

 

Matt was fairly certain he was redder than Karen’s hair at this point, but luckily she was way too groggy to notice, barely flinching when the hairdresser, now finished with Alex, began to work on her. “Anyway, off to costumes I guess?” 

 

Alex nodded. “Try some coffee,” she called out to Karen over her shoulder as they left the room. “Sooo,” she dragged out the sound in a teasing way, glancing over at him while walking down the corridor. “Losing your touch?”

 

“Huh?” He frowned at her.

 

“Leaving parties  _ before midnight? _ ”

 

“Well, like you said, some things are  _ much  _ preferable to partying.” 

 

She grinned. “I’m glad we’re on the same page. And speaking of pages,” she looked around her quickly to make sure they were alone and lowered her voice, “I’m sort of missing my script. Do you think it might be at yours?”

 

“You brought your script to the  _ party _ ?”

 

She shrugged. “I always bring scripts to parties. In case they’re boring.”

 

He shook his head. “You’re a bit odd, you know that?”

 

“Yes, yes,” she rolled her eyes, “but I still don’t have a script and I was planning on looking over the lines for the scenes this afternoon.”

 

“We can do it at lunch,” he suggested. “We’ll share mine.” The minute he spoke the words he regretted them. How was he supposed to handle a whole hour alone with Alex and her  _ innuendo _ ? Their flirting had been bad enough before they’d…  _ well _ , and far too often he’d found himself unable to concentrate. On his lines, anyway.

 

“Thanks, darling.” She flashed him a grin before pushing the door to costumes open. “Looking forward to it.”

 

*

 

“Ok so if I’m standing here…” Alex was physically mapping out her movements as she skimmed over the script, deeply engrossed in the pages. Matt, on the other hand, was not thinking about lines at all. Instead, he found himself staring at how River’s green dress shimmied across Alex’s hips and how intense her eyes were as she spoke the lines. If he didn’t snap out of this, he was  _ definitely  _ getting fired.

 

“Matt?  _ Matt! _ ”

 

“Uh, sorry, what?” He felt the heat rise in his cheeks again. 

 

She shook her head at him, but she was smiling. “Mind elsewhere?” 

 

“No, no. Ok, just a bit. But I mean,” he gestured at her, “can you blame me?”

 

She gasped in mock indignation. “Are you accusing me of  _ distracting  _ you?” She walked slowly over to where he was sitting on the bed until her breasts were basically in his face.

 

He swallowed.  _ Screw it.  _ Grabbing the back of her head, he pulled her down for a kiss, his fingers tangling in her curls.

 

She moaned into his mouth and, using his shoulders for support, climbed onto his lap so that she was basically sitting on his erection. Pulling away, she grinned. “I think I know what might make you feel better.” Sliding off his lap she fell to her knees and began to work on his trousers.

 

He felt his heart beat faster when he realised what she had in mind. “I thought...um...we were doing this later?”

 

“I thought you might need a bit of re-focusing,” she teased as she pulled his cock out of his pants. Licking her lips, she placed a barely-there kiss on the tip of it.

 

“ _ Fuck, _ ” he groaned, far beyond any arguments about how they needed to learn their lines or how they needed to be back on set in 15 minutes. 

 

She took the end of his cock in her mouth and sucked experimentally, making him grab onto the edge of the bed for support. Slowly, she worked more and more of him in until he was almost completely buried, and stopped.

 

He looked down and met her gaze and  _ oh fuck,  _ Alex peering up at him with her mouth full of cock might have been the best thing he’d ever seen in his life. He gently tangled his fingers in her hair and, when she didn’t complain, tightened his grip and started to move her head up and down the length of him. 

 

Not to be outdone, she kept up his pace, her tongue running along the underside of him and her hand playing with his balls. Every time he reached the back of her throat and began to pull her back, she provided resistance by sucking hard on his cock. As he got more wound up he began thrusting into her mouth and she grabbed the base of him for more control, bobbing her head up and down rapidly, paying special attention to sucking hard on the tip.

 

“Alex,” he gasped, “Alex, I’m gonna…” he had the foresight to warn her at least, not sure if she wanted him to actually come in her mouth.

 

Her response was to push her head all the way down, keeping him in as deep as possibly as she sucked long and hard.

 

He tried to muffle his cries as he came, aware there were still people outside who could, potentially, hear him. It was only mildly successful. Gasping for his breath, he looked down at Alex who swallowed, then wiped her mouth and smiled smugly. 

 

“Come on,” she said, pulling herself up. “We need to get back to set.”

 

“What about you though?” He felt a little guilty. Yes, they did have to get back but he hadn’t even touched her yet.

 

“Oh I’ll claim my prize later I think,” she winked at him. “Fancy a take-away and maybe some  _ dessert _ ?”

 

He most certainly fancied dessert.

 

*

 

He’d dug out three different takeaway menus - he basically lived off the stuff so he knew them by heart at this point - and was beginning to deeply regret it. If he’d thought Alex took ages with a menu,  _ three  _ was a terrible idea. Especially when he was so looking forward to his dessert.

 

“Hm, I don’t know if I fancy Indian or pizza,” she mused as she flicked through the menus thoughtfully. “What do you think?”

 

He genuinely did not care either way, but he did know that particular Indian could take ages to deliver. “Pizza, definitely.”

 

“Ok,” she smiled. “I’ll get the veggie one then. Wanna share with me?”

 

“Sure,” he replied as he picked up the phone. It wouldn’t have been his first choice, but it couldn’t exactly hurt to eat the occasional vegetable. “They said about 20 minutes,” he announced once he’d hung up the phone.

 

She smiled. “Sounds good. So… what do you think of this episode so far?”

 

He was a bit surprised. He shouldn’t have been, they always talked about everything under the sun, especially the show, but today had been basically  _ all  _ flirting and he was expecting her to just tease him until he finally got her into bed. “Uh… I think it’s a good one. I think it’s still really bugging the doctor that he doesn’t know who River is.”

 

“Hm,” she pulled her knees up under her and looked at him thoughtfully. “I think not knowing something  _ would  _ really bother him. I mean he basically knows more than everyone most of the time.”

 

“And especially with River cause, you know, I’m pretty sure you’re my wife.”

 

“You mean  _ River  _ is  _ The Doctor’s  _ wife,” she clarified, one eyebrow raised.

 

He grinned. “Knew I’d get you to tell me eventually.”

 

She scoffed and threw a cushion at him. “Shut up, you knew what I meant.” She got up and walked into the kitchen, standing on tip toes to reach the wine glasses he kept on the highest shelf, and pouring them both a generous helping.

 

It felt almost domestic, he realised as he accepted the glass of  _ his  _ wine that she handed him. Alex rummaging around in the kitchen as if she belonged there, lounging on the sofa while they waited for pizza to arrive. It was something he hadn’t felt since Daisy, and even then it had never been this natural. But Alex wasn’t his girlfriend, he reminded himself. She was a good friend who, for some bizarre reason, wanted to have sex with him. Right now though, it was hard to see what the difference was between the two.

 

“Penny for your thoughts?” He looked up to see her smiling at him over her wine glass.

 

“Oh, er, I… I was just wondering when the pizza’s gonna get here. Starving,” he lied. 

 

Alex looked at the time. “Should be here any minute.”

 

As if on cue, the doorbell rang and Matt jumped up, eager to escape the awkwardness that probably only existed in his mind. As they nibbled on the pizza, he couldn’t help the thoughts from coming though. This was  _ nice _ . He hadn’t realised how much he’d actually missed sharing his life with someone, and he’d never before thought about how nice it could be if that someone was  _ her.  _ He’d been so convinced what he really wanted was to live the young bachelor life, parties and sex and nothing to tie him down.

 

He really wasn’t so sure anymore.

 

Still, any  _ pure  _ thoughts were practically purged from his brain as she set aside her plate and scooted closer to him, her lips ghosting against his as she started to unbutton his shirt. He let her remove it entirely but stopped her when she reached his jeans. “Now,” he pulled away slightly. “I believe you promised me dessert.”

 

She grinned. “Well, I’d never go back on a promise.”

 

“Good. Get in the bedroom.” He wasn’t at all sure where this…  _ demanding  _ side of him was coming from but by the look on Alex’s face, he could tell she liked it. 

 

She jumped off the sofa and saluted mockingly before laughing and disappearing into his bedroom. He quickly followed and found her sitting on the end of the bed, her eyes bright with anticipation. He leaned down to kiss her, pushing her gently down onto her back and climbing on top of her. His bare chest pressed against her shirt and he desperately wanted more  _ skin.  _ Lifting himself off her, he pulled it roughly over her head and blinked in surprise when he realised she wasn’t wearing a bra. Well, he was all for easier access.

 

She let out a sigh of pleasure as he went to work on her breasts, nipping and sucking while his hands wandered lower, pushing her skirt up to find that, unfortunately, she  _ was  _ wearing knickers. He began stroking her through the damp fabric and she groaned, pushing her hips up in search of more friction. “Patience,” he mumbled, letting her nipple slip out of his mouth.

 

“Easy for you to say,” she panted, pushing herself against his hand. “You got off at lunch. I’ve been wound up for  _ hours,  _ you have no idea… trying to work when I can still  _ taste  _ you on my tongue…”

 

His eyes widened at the thought of Alex on set, turned on by the flavour of  _ him  _ all day, and oh God this was  _ delicious. _ He captured her mouth in a kiss as his fingers wandered into her knickers and found her clit, eliciting a throaty moan.

 

“Oh yes darling, right  _ there _ …” she threw her head back and gasped as he pinched and stroked her. When he suddenly withdrew his hand, she looked at him in shock.

 

He simply grinned and, crawling backwards, pulled up her skirt and grabbed her knickers, all but ripping them off her. She sighed in pleasure as he settled between her thighs and began to lick her gently with long, slow strokes of his tongue. It wasn’t long though before she was grinding against his face, desperate for more, and more was what he’d give her. He began to lick harder, concentrating on her clit while simultaneously inserting two fingers, earning a cry from Alex. She really was wound up as far as she could go because after less than a minute of his ministrations her thighs tightened around his head and she arched off the bed with a scream. He continued gently licking her as she shuddered through the aftershocks, until she relaxed with a sigh.

 

“Well, I must say,” he quipped as he emerged from under her skirt, “that was the best dessert  _ I’ve  _ ever had.”

 

She smiled, her eyes closed as she breathed heavily. “I suppose we’re even then.”

 

He hesitated for a moment, enjoying watching her blissful expression but at the same time painfully aware of his own straining erection. “Um, we don’t have to do anything else if you don’t want to. Just let me know cause I might need to,  _ you know. _ ”

 

She laughed and shook her head. “I didn’t say I was  _ done _ . Just take your pants off and give me a minute.”

 

Well he wasn’t going to say  _ no. _ Quickly getting rid of the rest of his clothes, he joined her back on the bed, idly stroking himself as he waited for her to recover. As she opened her eyes, she looked straight at his cock and bit her lip in that sexy  _ Alex  _ way. He couldn’t help it; he was on top of her in a split second, his hands wandering to her breasts as his hips ground into hers. She gasped and lifted her hips up in reciprocation.

 

“This skirt is getting in my way,” he groaned.

 

Pushing him out of the way, she pulled it down over her legs and kicked it off. “Better?”

 

“Much.” He leaned in to kiss her and she moaned, undoubtedly tasting herself on his tongue. “Could be even better though.”

 

“Oh?” She grinned and wriggled under him. “How’s that?” She gasped in surprise as he suddenly grabbed her wrists and pinned her to the bed.

 

“I’ll show you,” he promised as he lined himself up and slowly slid inside her. She was  _ so, so  _ wet and he had to stop himself from immediately slamming into her. Instead he leaned down and bit down hard on her neck, eliciting a cry of surprise, as he pushed himself all the way in.

 

“That better not leave a mark,” she gasped.

 

He glanced down at her, taking a good look. Her lips were red and wet, her hair was  _ everywhere _ and her wrists were trapped, so tiny compared to his big hands.

 

She was gorgeous.

 

He began to move, slowly at first but, encouraged by her cries and moans, he was soon pounding her into the mattress, determined she wouldn’t be able to walk for  _ days  _ without feeling him between her thighs. 

 

She lifted her legs up, allowing him to go deeper,  _ oh  _ so much deeper, as she turned her head sideways and bit into her hand, a silent scream. Letting go of her wrist for a moment, he used one hand to lift one leg, then the other over his shoulder, causing them both to gasp in pleasure.

 

“ _ Oh,  _ fuck, Matt, I can’t, I can’t…” she was babbling incoherently now, her eyes screwed tightly shut, her hips arching off the bed.

 

“It’s all right,” he panted, “just let go.” He was so close himself and just as the scream left her lips he felt the familiar tightening in his balls and cried out as he emptied himself inside her. Letting go of her wrists, he twisted them around as he collapsed on the bed so she was half on top of him, her head and upper body splayed across his chest.

 

“That… was amazing,” she whispered. 

 

He smiled in response, just wanting this moment of post-coital bliss to last forever. But again, she began to pull away and his arm tightened around her, holding her back.

 

“Just stay for a minute?” He mumbled, pulling her head back down onto his chest. He felt her smile against his skin as she nodded slightly. He closed his eyes, just enjoying the perfection of the moment, their hearts beating together, her naked body nestled against his. He never wanted to let go.

 

Far too soon though, she placed a light kiss on his shoulder and slid out of his bed, leaving him all alone.

 

Again.


	3. Of IKEA furniture and supermarkets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wanted the lazy Sunday mornings, the rushed weekday mornings, he wanted to be woken up at 5am because she had an early call time even though he didn’t. He wanted boring weekly shops in the supermarket, arguments over assembling IKEA furniture and who’s turn it was to wash up. He wanted hurried kisses as one of them rushed out the door, tearful goodbyes at airports, having to be quiet in the bedroom because Salome was asleep.
> 
> He wanted all of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a shorter one with less smut - sorry!

He wasn’t sure  _ how  _ they managed, but somehow, after two weeks of meeting up almost every night as well as the occasional hurried session in trailers or dressing rooms, nobody seemed to suspect anything. Of course he was relieved, he didn’t exactly  _ want  _ to be walked in on while bending Alex over a table, his trousers around his ankles. But a small part of him  _ almost  _ hoped that someone (probably Karen) would begin to have suspicions and quiz him about his secret. He’d deny everything of course; he even had his answers planned out in his head, but someone else finding out about them, or even just thinking something might be going on, would make it feel more… real.

 

Because sometimes it didn’t. When he woke up by himself in the morning, he wasn’t always completely sure it hadn’t all just been some kind of (incredible) dream. They’d never spoken about keeping their… _ whatever it was _ , a secret, but it seemed like, planned or not, that was what they were doing now. Besides, he wasn’t sure what kind of announcement they could possibly make. It wasn’t like they were together, or even dating. “Friends with benefits” didn’t exactly look good on an announcement card.

 

What he  _ did  _ like, however, was that Alex didn’t leave immediately anymore. When they’d finished - assuming they were in a bed and not in a trailer during a 15 minute break - she’d cuddle up to him and they’d talk or just lie there for a while. He wouldn’t admit it, but that time was quickly becoming his favourite part of the whole thing.

 

And one morning, he woke up, light peering in through the curtains and a naked Alex wrapped around him, her curls spread over his shoulder and pillow, fast asleep. He didn’t move, not wanting to ruin this perfect moment. He could feel her steady breathing against his chest, the softness of her breasts pressing into his side, and it suddenly occurred to him this was everything he’d ever wanted. Well, not so sudden really _ , _ but he hadn’t realised before just how  _ much  _ he wanted it. He wanted the lazy Sunday mornings, the rushed weekday mornings, he wanted to be woken up at 5am because she had an early call time even though  _ he  _ didn’t. He wanted boring weekly shops in the supermarket, arguments over assembling IKEA furniture and who’s turn it was to wash up. He wanted hurried kisses as one of them rushed out the door, tearful goodbyes at airports, having to be quiet in the bedroom because Salome was asleep.

 

He wanted  _ all  _ of it.

 

Of course he knew what people would say. She was older than him, she couldn’t have more children, they lived on two different continents and it would be  _ difficult.  _ But with his arms wrapped around her and her breath on his skin, it didn’t seem to matter. If he’d ever thought that  _ just  _ sex could be enough, he’d never been so wrong in his life. 

 

She stirred in his arms, rolling onto her back and opening her eyes. Blinking a couple of times, she seemed surprised to find herself still in his bed. “Oh.” She looked at him. “Sorry, I must have fallen asleep.”

 

“Well that’s nothing to be  _ sorry  _ about.” He kissed her forehead. “I think there can be some benefits to waking up together.”

 

“Oh really?”

 

He’d actually meant to bring her breakfast in bed - no strawberries unfortunately although he did have some lovely crumpets - but her naughty grin told him she had something else in mind and, well, he was only human. Leaning in, he kissed her gently, one hand moving down to fondle her breast. She arched into his touch, running one hand down his chest to grab his half-hard cock. 

 

“ _ Fuck me, _ ” she whispered against his mouth, obviously not hanging around for the foreplay.

 

_ Very horny first thing in the morning,  _ he added to his things-to-remember-about-Alex list. He placed his hand on her shoulder and gently turned her so she was lying on her front, her hands moving up to grab the pillow in anticipation.

 

Sitting up, he swung one leg over her and began placing kisses down her neck, moving her wild mass of curls -  _ huge  _ in the mornings apparently - out of the way for better access. 

 

She whined, pushing her arse up against him. Sliding a finger between her thighs, he found she was soaked already. He wondered if this was normal for her or if it had something to do with waking up with him. Or waking up with a  _ man _ , if he was gonna try to avoid flattering himself.

 

“So eager, aren’t you?” he whispered against her neck before moving his kisses down her spine, which made her shudder. His finger stroked gentle circles around her entrance, and she pushed against him, trying desperately to get more friction. He was more than ready now, so he removed his finger and lifted her arse up slightly. Alex, getting the idea, shuffled up onto her knees and buried her face in the pillow.

 

He entered her in one smooth motion and smiled as she groaned into the pillow. Grabbing her hips for leverage, he began to slowly thrust into her as she ground against him desperately. After a few thrusts, he slid his hand around and gently pinched her neglected clit, earning himself another muffled moan. This seemed to have the desired effect as she stopped pushing back on his cock and let him take the lead, rubbing her clit as he pushed in and out of her.

 

He wanted to go slow, he really did, but as he felt Alex tighten and shudder around him, lifting her face from the pillow to cry his name, the dams broke and he began pounding into her, fucking her hard through her orgasm. This only seemed to spur her on and, moments after he’d felt her muscles relax, she started moaning again. He was  _ so  _ close but he wanted to take her with him so he reached around again, furiously rubbing her clit. This seemed to work as, just as he thought he couldn’t hold out any longer, she gave a hoarse cry and tightened around him for a second time, milking his cock rhythmically. This was enough to set his own orgasm off and he cried out her name as he collapsed on top of her, his face resting against her back.

 

“Well,” she panted. “That’s some wake-up call.”

 

He rolled off her and gathered her up in his arms. “I told you there were benefits.” A quick glance at the clock told him there was still time for breakfast. “Stay there.” He scrambled out of bed, pulling a robe on and, ignoring her confused frown, made for the kitchen. Leaving the tea to brew, he lightly toasted the crumpets and put them on a tray along with some butter and marmalade. Once he was satisfied the tea was adequately strong, he poured two cups and added them to the tray before carrying it into the bedroom.

 

She was resting back on the pillows when he entered, her eyes widening slightly in surprise when she saw the breakfast being offered. She sat up, not bothering to cover her breasts as the sheets pooled in her lap, and accepted the tray from him while he got comfortable himself. “Wow,” she smiled at him. “You were definitely right about  _ benefits _ . I don’t think anyone’s brought me breakfast in bed in…” she trailed off, suddenly looking uncomfortable like she regretted having brought it up at all. Instead she picked up her tea, sipping at it with her eyes closed. “This is wonderful. Thank you Matt.”

 

It was odd how she could go from sexy and wanton to sweet and vulnerable in a matter of moments. She was still completely uncovered but for the sheets in her lap, but her nakedness and almost seeming  _ unawareness  _ of it now signalled a sense of comfort and relaxedness rather than any sensuality. He took a bite out of a crumpet without looking, unable to take his eyes off her. Her hair was all over the place and he wondered what she  _ did  _ to it every morning, because it was usually at least somewhat tidy even before the girls in hair and make-up got their hands on it. Not that he didn’t like it; he wouldn’t actually mind if it was that wild all of the time. He also, obviously, wouldn’t mind having her breasts on display all of the time but that was probably less likely to happen. The show would get very good ratings though.

 

She nudged him. “What are you thinking about?”

 

“Your hair,” he blurted out clumsily. Well, at least he hadn’t said  _ your breasts.  _ He hadn’t even realised, but he’d been holding the crumpet halfway to his mouth, too stuck in his own head.

 

“Oh.” Self-consciously, she lifted her hand to her hair, fruitlessly trying to smooth it down.

 

“No, no,” he hurried. “I mean, I  _ like  _ it… like that.”

 

She rolled her eyes. “ _ Sure. _ ”

 

“No,” he shifted onto his elbow and took a bite out of his crumpet. “I mean,” he said, mouth full of crumpet - didn’t think that through too well - “you know, just-been-shagged hair, naked, in my bed, having breakfast - it paints a great picture.”

 

She shook her head admonishingly but there was a smile tugging at her lips. “I’m not sure hair and make-up are going to agree with you. About the hair, I mean. Wasn’t planning on asking their opinion on the rest of it.”

 

“May want to rephrase the just-been-shagged bit too,” he teased.

 

“Hm,” she agreed. “Not sure Babs wants to know about that.”

 

He snorted. Babs definitely  _ would.  _ “Hey, careful of those crumbs.” He pointed out some that were making their way down between her breasts. Pure coincidence he’d seen those, of course. “I don’t want to sleep on them later.”

 

She threw a crumpet at him, actually  _ threw a crumpet _ . “I should have known this breakfast in bed thing was too good to be true,” she complained. “You bring me food then complain about crumbs!”

 

It was so delightfully silly he couldn’t help but laugh. Unfortunately this resulted in a quick evacuation of the bed as he managed to spill his tea. By the time he’d stripped the sheets and Alex had wiped all the tea - and crumbs - off herself, she had to run off to get dressed and the fun was over.  _ Well, for now, anyway _ , he comforted himself.

 

He had a weird, fuzzy feeling when he walked into work. All those cereal adverts may actually have been right: how he started his day really did have an impact on how he felt. He doubted any cereal could compete with Alex Kingston in his bed though. He’d been worried she’d be uncomfortable around him, always having made such a point of going back home (or, if they were at her place, simply getting out of bed and starting to tidy the kitchen or something). Keeping the barriers up. But that particular barrier had been broken and it didn’t seem like it had particularly bothered her. In fact, she seemed even more smiley than usual. Maybe she was relieved that the awkwardness - or whatever she thought she’d find in the morning - hadn’t surfaced. As he walked home that evening, he had a lot to think about. 

 

He was supposed to be reading the script for the next day, not having  _ remotely  _ memorised his lines yet. Alex had a Skype call with Salome anyway which he didn’t want to intrude on. Not yet, anyway.

 

_ Getting ahead of yourself, Smith,  _ he chastised himself, trying to drop any thoughts of being included in the precious mother-daughter chats and concentrate on the page in front of him. It wasn’t working.

 

Pushing the script aside, he sighed and leaned back against the sofa, dragging his fingers through his hair. Why was he so… jittery? Anxious even. The fuzzy, happy feeling had given way to what could only be described as ants in his pants. In truth, he was scared. What if that morning had been a one-off? She  _ had  _ accidentally fallen asleep; it was the only reason she was still there. And besides, he wanted  _ more  _ than her being there in the morning because it was convenient or because she happened to fall asleep.

 

And it occurred to him he’d never actually told her that. She’d acted like all she wanted was sex, but come to think of it, besides asking for a few minutes post-coital cuddling, so had  _ he _ . Of course, sharing his ramblings about IKEA furniture and supermarket shops may not be the best idea. Hearing that from what you thought of as a sex buddy might ring  _ lunatic  _ alarm bells. That wasn’t generally how you asked someone out.

 

His eyes widened. Of course! He couldn’t believe he’d been so dumb. He’d never even asked her out on a date, why on  _ Earth  _ would she think he wanted more than sex? Yes. He most definitely had to go slowly here and introduce the furniture assembly later. And with a plan in mind, Matt could finally concentrate on his lines.

 

*

 

He knocked gently on the door to her trailer, not wanting to barge in and catch her half dressed. Not because that would be unpleasant or anything, but it would probably distract from his plans and lead to something else altogether. They’d previously made plans to “meet up” after work, Alex having been busy the night before, so really, he was just proposing a slight amendment to the plans.

 

“Yes?” Her voice was slightly cautious.

 

“Hey, it’s me.”

 

“Oh!” The door flew open. “You really don’t need to knock, you know. But, um, I’m back on in ten minutes, so…” she bit her lip, a look of disappointment flashing across her face.

 

“Oh, that’s ok.” He came inside, closing the door behind him. “I actually just wanted to ask you if you want to have dinner tonight.” He tried to sound as casual as possible, as if this wasn’t weird at all. Which it kind of, definitely was.

 

She smiled at him. “Sure. I was actually thinking I might cook. Or do you prefer take-away again?”

 

“Actually, I sort of meant I would take you out? There’s this really lovely place…” he broke off, actually able to  _ see  _ the exact moment her eyes widened, her face froze and his heart fell.

 

“I…” it took what felt like forever for her to speak, and when she did, it definitely wasn’t her normal dulcet tones. No, she was practically  _ stuttering.  _ “I just… it’s a lovely idea, Matt, really. But I don’t think we should…  _ muddle  _ things, you know? Cause it could  _ seem  _ a bit like a date and with, well, what we’re doing, it could get confusing. Do you know what I mean?”

 

He was flustered for a moment. It sounded like she was turning him down, but she was doing it in a very strange way. No. No, she was giving him an  _ out.  _ A chance to act as if though a  _ date  _ hadn’t been at all what he was thinking of, but a friendly dinner between friends before they go home and shag each other’s brains out.

 

Somehow, it stung even more than the rejection itself.

 

“No, I…” he stuttered, tears already burning behind his eyes. “You’re right, I hadn’t thought of it like that. Yeah, definitely shouldn’t  _ muddle  _ things.” He excused himself, quickly leaving her trailer so she wouldn’t see his tears.

 

They still had sex that night, but it was awkward and unsatisfying, and when they were done she left immediately. He didn’t even try to stop her, lying passively on his back, staring at the ceiling and wondering where he went wrong.

 


	4. I’d do anything to make you smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had a feeling this wasn’t the kind of boy’s chat that was going to end in a high five. It felt more like a what are your intentions chat he’d only ever had from a girlfriend’s dad when he was 16. The problem was, he knew what his intentions were, but they didn’t match up very well with that pesky thing called reality.

He really didn’t want to go into work at all the next day, almost considering calling in sick. He’d ruined everything. Of course once he had a good thing he had to go and spoil it with his  _ stupid  _ ideas. Now he wondered whether he’d lost not only this  _ arrangement  _ of theirs, but worse: their friendship. Things had been so awkward the night before; both of them acting like the whole date thing had just been a misunderstanding and going through the motions as though it hadn’t happened.

 

But it had. He’d asked her out and she’d rejected him. They both knew it no matter how much they pretended they didn’t. And he was fairly certain she wouldn’t be back in his bed again after that. He just hoped they could still be friends, because he thought not having her in his life at  _ all  _ might just kill him.

 

Turning the tap on in the bathroom he splashed some cold water on his face and stared at himself in the mirror. When had she become this important to him? It seemed like they had snuck up on him without his permission; these  _ feelings  _ he couldn’t control.

 

If only they could get past the awkwardness, he reasoned as he reluctantly dragged himself out the door and shut it with a bang, this  _ weirdness  _ that was hanging over them, maybe they could go back to how things were before. He’d pretty much fucked up regarding the other arrangement, but it wasn’t as important as having her in his life was. Maybe they’d just pretend none of it ever happened, and eventually it would fade and things would get better.

 

They had to.

 

When he got into work it was with a storm cloud above his head. Dread filled his entire being. He didn’t see Alex in hair and make-up and was beginning to wonder if  _ she’d  _ decided to call in sick to avoid  _ him. _

 

Until he suddenly felt someone grab his arm and found himself being pulled into a cleaning cupboard and the door slammed shut. He turned around in confusion, just in time to see a curly head descending and nimble hands pulling at his belt. Before he even knew what was happening, his cock was in her mouth, swiftly hardening under her expert ministrations.

 

“Alex, what…” It was all he could get out before sensations took over and his head fell back against the wall, his hands grabbing her hair for leverage. Her head bobbed up and down on his cock, and it wasn’t long before he, with a loud grunt, spilled himself down her throat.

 

She stood up with a grin, wiped her mouth and winked at him.

 

It wasn’t until they’d left the cupboard and Alex had disappeared to hair and make-up that it struck him: maybe  _ she  _ was just as afraid of losing what they had as he was. So what did it mean to her, really? He’d expected her to back off after he’d revealed his intentions so to speak, as she clearly did not share the more  _ emotional  _ aspects of their relationship. Why would she put herself in that situation if all she wanted was casual sex, which - to be totally honest - she could get anywhere. He wasn’t sure whether to feel resentful that she was willing to risk him falling even deeper for her, or endlessly grateful that she still wanted him.

 

The latter, of course, won over as soon as he saw her on set again, smiley and flirty in her River outfit. Who was he kidding; even if she’d never feel the same for him, he’d have her any way he could.

 

Her eyes fell pointedly to his crotch as she asked how he was today.

 

“I’m great, thanks,” he replied. “Had a good morning.”

 

Karen groaned. “How can mornings ever be good when they start at 5 am?”

 

Alex smirked at him as her tongue darted out to lick her lips.  _ Damn it,  _ was she trying to  _ kill  _ him? 

 

“Um, coffee?” He stuttered, not sure if it was an answer or an offer.

 

“Yes please,” Karen replied, making the choice for him. 

 

He looked over at Alex. “Coffee?”

 

She shook her head. “No thanks, I’m wired enough as it is.” It didn’t sound like innuendo - for what he didn’t know, but she always managed somehow - and she did look pretty jittery. He wondered as he walked over to the drinks cart whether she’d spent half the night awake too and overdone it on the caffeine. As he poured the coffees, black for Karen, milky for him, he spotted Arthur standing by the side door, staring at him.

 

“You going out for a smoke?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Hang on, I’ll join you.” He didn’t normally smoke, not during the day anyway, but he needed  _ something  _ to calm down. By the time he’d delivered coffee to a very grateful Karen, Arthur had already disappeared out of the door. Sticking his head out, Matt found him leaning with his back against the wall, drawing deep breaths from his cigarette. “Got a spare?”

 

Arthur held out the pack without a word and Matt grabbed one. They stood there in silence for a few moments before Arthur finally spoke. “Mate, what are you doing?”

 

“With what?”

 

Fixing him with a glare, Arthur continued: “With  _ Alex _ .”

 

Matt felt himself go hot and cold at the same time. “I… what?”

 

“I saw you going into the closet. And don’t start some  _ we were just _ , there are  _ very  _ few reasons two people would go into a cleaning cupboard and come out with no cleaning supplies.”

 

He had a feeling this wasn’t the kind of boy’s chat that was going to end in a high five. It felt more like a  _ what are your intentions  _ chat he’d only ever had from a girlfriend’s dad when he was 16. The problem was, he knew what his  _ intentions  _ were, but they didn’t match up very well with that pesky thing called reality. “It’s not a big deal,” he tried. “Just blowing off some steam.”

 

Arthur’s eyes narrowed. “Oh really? And you’re on the same page about that?”

 

“Yes!”  _ Well, no. _ “Seriously mate, it’s nothing to get worked up about. And please don’t mention to Alex what you saw.”

 

Arthur shook his head, flicking the ash off the end of his cigarette. “I wouldn’t. But I seriously hope you know what you’re doing.”

 

He frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“Look, Alex is my friend, all right? And… she doesn’t need another arsehole taking advantage of her.”

 

“I’m not…”

 

Arthur interrupted him. “You know she’s in the middle of messy divorce proceedings, don’t you?”

 

_ Oh.  _ He hadn’t. He knew she was separated, of course, and  _ logically,  _ divorce would follow at some point, he just hadn’t realised that point was right  _ now _ .

 

Arthur obviously took his silence as an answer. “So, I’m just saying. She’s vulnerable, and emotionally fragile, and only a real  _ dickhead  _ would take advantage of that,” he finished with a pointed stare.

 

“How comes she told you?”

 

He must have sounded jealous because Arthur rolled his eyes. “I walked in on her crying in her dressing room, all right?” He paused to draw in a deep breath of smoke and slowly blow it above his head. “So she told me. It wasn’t pillow talk if that’s what you’re asking. Although I don’t see why you’d care if you’re only  _ blowing off steam _ .”

 

Matt took a puff of his cigarette, not really sure what to say. “I wasn’t… I didn’t mean it like that. You know she’s important to me. I’m just surprised she didn’t tell me, that’s all.”

 

Arthur shrugged. “I don’t think she was planning to tell anyone. I just happened to be there and she needed to unload.”

 

“What…” Matt squirmed slightly, his hand tucked tight in his pocket. “What did she tell you exactly?”

 

Arthur scoffed. “That’s for her to tell you, if she wants to. All I’m saying is, don’t fuck her over, ok?” He, a little too aggressively, stubbed out his cigarette against the wall and walked back inside without waiting for Matt, who was barely halfway through his. 

 

Well, he didn’t really fancy it anymore anyway.

 

Going back inside, he looked over at Alex, who was laughing with Karen over something. She looked so carefree; she always did. It was hard to imagine she would be  _ crying  _ in her dressing room. He was pretty sure she didn’t want to get back with her husband - they’d been separated for some time - but obviously something was going on.

 

He wondered if this whole thing was just a distraction for her; rebound sex. A part of him felt angry about that, even though he really had no right to be - it wasn’t as though she’d ever pretended it was anything else. The other part, by far the bigger, just wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be OK.

 

As she looked over at him and smiled, that part took over entirely. What still ached though was that she hadn’t told him she was upset. Or even about the divorce at all. No, every time she saw him she was all smiles and flirting. He tried to push the ache to one side. It was up to her when and if she wanted to talk to him about what was clearly very sensitive. 

 

For the entire day, she was touching him, flirting with him and in  _ many  _ ways reaffirming her intention to continue what they’d been doing. He was relieved, happy and a little confused. She obviously hadn’t changed her mind about the dating thing, or she would surely have said something, but it was almost as though she was trying to make up for it.

 

It made  _ no  _ sense.

 

If she wanted a friend with benefits he was happy with that (well, not  _ happy  _ exactly, but it was most definitely better than nothing) but as he’d told himself many times before she could get casual sex from whoever she wanted. She wasn’t looking for a relationship, at least not with him - she’d made  _ that  _ clear. So why even bother? Last night he’d had an awful feeling she was only having sex with him because they’d planned to and she didn’t want to make things awkward after their chat in her trailer but now it was like she was doing everything to prove she still wanted this - including the surprise blow job that morning. He couldn’t understand  _ why _ .

 

Which was why, when she showed up at his doorstep with a pot of stew; “proper British brown stew!” he had to ask. 

 

She immediately paled and backed off. “Sorry, I should go, I must have misread…”

 

“No,” he grabbed her arm to stop her from leaving, which made the pot wobble precariously in her hands. Taking it from her, he placed it down on the table - they did need to talk but there was no reason to waste perfectly good stew. “I just… I need to know what we’re doing here Alex.”

 

She shrugged, obviously attempting to appear casual and miserably failing; her whole body was tensed up and her gaze kept darting across to the door as though contemplating escape. “I don’t know what you mean darling,” her voice was shaky and she clearly  _ did  _ know, “we’re just… just casually, you know… aren’t we?” She bit her lip, still avoiding looking at him.

 

“Yes,” he conceded. “But after what happened yesterday… I didn’t think you’d want to anymore to be honest. And I don’t know how to interpret this. I mean, first you turn me down and then you pull me into a closet for a blowjob?”

 

She shook her head. “I just thought it was a bad idea to go out for dinner, Matt, that was all. I don’t see why it’s such a big deal.”

 

He sighed. So she was  _ still  _ going to pretend he hadn’t actually asked her out. He wanted to tell her outright to stop acting, to just deal with this as adults wherever that might take them, even if it meant heartbreak on his part.

 

But she looked so  _ sad _ .

 

“Hey,” he whispered, stroking a curl away from her forehead. “It’s ok.” He leaned down to kiss her, and after freezing up for a split second she sighed and relaxed into him. He couldn’t stop the overwhelming desire to just take  _ care  _ of her, in any way he could. 

 

“I want you,” she whispered as they broke apart for air. 

 

He smiled, only a hint of pain still tugging at his chest. Slowly undressing her as he led her to his bedroom, he laid her down on the bed and placed soft kisses across every inch of her body as she sighed and moaned beneath him. He was completely lost, he realised, as he would do  _ anything  _ just to see this woman smile, to take that pained look from her eyes even for a moment.

 

When he finally entered her, it was slow and tender, every stroke like an eternity in their own little universe. He placed his elbows on either side of her, lowering himself down until you couldn’t have fit a sheet of paper between them. Her arms reached around to pull him in, grasping at his back. He could feel the heat of her skin, her pebbled nipples against his chest as he continued to make love to her slowly, wanting to communicate to her the feelings she’d never let him say with words.

 

In contrast to their usual, hurried coupling, it took a long time, but eventually her moans turned a higher pitch and he could feel her clenching around him, sobbing into his ear. He didn’t want this to stop, but the way she squeezed his cock set him off and his orgasm hit him harder than he could remember ever feeling before. He continued slowly thrusting until she’d completely stilled beneath him and tumbled to her side, exhausted. 

 

He gathered her up in his arms and she cuddled into his side, a contented sigh escaping her. 

 

And for once, she wasn’t running.


	5. Sometimes you gotta have stew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Alex, I…” He buried his face in his hands. “I wasn’t backing out of anything. But I asked you out, and then you’re acting like I didn’t, like I hadn’t thought of the fact it would seem like a date. Of course I had, I mean, that was the point!” He’d laid all his cards on the table now, exposed himself and he prayed she wouldn’t use it to laugh in his face. Her reaction, instead, took him completely by surprise.

Eventually, she stirred. “The stew,” she mumbled.

 

He looked at her in confusion. “The stew?”

 

“Mm.” She blinked sleepily. “We need to eat the stew.”

 

He sighed, not really wanting to get out of bed again. But then, it was barely gone eight and he was hungry and, well,  _ stew.  _ “Might need heating up now.”

 

She nodded, pulling herself up and stretching, which did  _ amazing  _ things to her chest: breasts pushed out as she arched her back, pretty much  _ in his face _ . 

 

He felt stirrings in his groin again. “Alex,” he warned, “if you really want to eat that stew, you need to put those away.”

 

She gave him a confused look. “I...what?” Following his pointed gaze, she looked down at her chest, then up at him again, her eyebrows raised in an incredulous look. “All right,” she laughed, “down boy.”

 

He knew it was just an expression, but he still didn’t like how she’d called him “boy”. It didn’t seem the age difference bothered her when it came to sleeping with him - and really, he was nearly thirty, hardly a  _ boy  _ \- but was it the reason she didn’t want it turning into more? 

 

He watched as she threw a shirt on -  _ his  _ shirt, practically drowning her as it fell halfway down her thighs, and it was almost  _ worse  _ than when she was naked - and head for the living room. 

 

With a sigh, he pulled himself out of bed and found some joggers to pull on, deciding to go topless;  _ what’s good for the goose and all that,  _ before following her out. She’d put the stew back on the hob, stirring it while humming quietly. 

 

“So,” he snuck up close enough to look over her shoulder and place just one arm around her waist. “What’s this stew all about then?”

 

She giggled. “My grandma used to make it. It was my favourite food as a kid. Takes ages but I was off early today.”

 

“Do you make it a lot?”

 

“Not really. It’s a bit of a fuss, and Salome says it’s too brown and…” she frowned, obviously trying to recall the word, “ _ mushy. _ Her tastes are either full on LA, you know, all those things like vegan cafes or quinoa and kale,  _ or  _ she goes complete little girl and only wants burgers and hot dogs. Definitely no stews though.”

 

“You don’t like quinoa and kale?” He teased.

 

“I do actually,” she admitted, “far less keen on the fast food side of things. But sometimes you gotta have stew.”

 

“Sometimes you gotta have stew,” he agreed. His hand, apparently of its own volition, had begun stroking circles on her stomach as his head rested against hers, wayward curls tickling his nose. She didn’t complain, slowly stirring the stew which was puttering away on the stove.

 

“Ok, I think this’ll be fine now,” she announced, pulling the saucepan off the hob. He nearly whined at the loss of contact when she pulled away from him to dish up. She handed him a bowl with an expectant smile and he spooned a generous helping into his mouth.

 

“Wow,” he looked at the brown mush in his bowl. “That’s  _ amazing,  _ Alex.”

 

She grinned, pulling out a chair and sitting down at the table. “Tastes better than it looks, right?”

 

He nodded. “Although,” he teased, “I can think of  _ one  _ thing that tastes even better, and it looks pretty good too.”

 

She flushed and looked away from him, her hand awkwardly fiddling with the spoon. Why, he wondered, after the stuff they’d done, would she possibly get  _ embarrassed _ ? It wasn’t as if she didn’t regularly rush out innuendo herself. “Um,” she avoided looking at him, biting her lip. “So I know you said we needed to talk.”

 

His heart jumped. They did, well, technically, but part of him was more than a little afraid of where  _ talking  _ might lead. “Yeah, I guess we probably do.”

 

“So I…” she swallowed, fiddling with her collar, well,  _ his  _ collar really. “If you wanted to not do this anymore, I… well, I’d understand.”

 

He felt his heart beat faster. “No. No! What makes you think I want… that?”

 

“I just thought… well, you seemed a bit funny about the whole thing and I’m sorry for pushing it, you know with the cleaning cupboard and then the stew, and, well. I guess I didn’t want to think of you  _ backing out  _ but, I probably should have let you speak for more than two seconds.” She gave a nervous giggle.

 

“Alex, I…” He buried his face in his hands. “ _ I  _ wasn’t backing out of anything. But I asked you out, and then you’re acting like I didn’t, like I hadn’t thought of the fact it would  _ seem  _ like a date. Of course I had, I mean, that  _ was  _ the point!” He’d laid all his cards on the table now, exposed himself and he prayed she wouldn’t use it to laugh in his face. Her reaction, instead, took him completely by surprise.

 

She stood up suddenly, turning away and wrapping her arms around herself. “I didn’t want some kind of  _ pity date,  _ Matthew,” she spat out, a slight tremble to her voice.

 

“A  _ what? _ ” He looked at her incredulously, which fell a bit flat as her face was turned away from him.

 

She sighed, bowing her head down, running her fingers through tangled curls. “I guess pity might be the wrong word. Guilt then? Or, or… obligation? Look, I know that may be how it normally works, but you didn’t have to take me  _ out  _ to keep getting laid. And when you asked, it was just… just  _ embarrassing _ , like I needed to be placated. So yeah, I acted like you hadn’t asked what you did, because I was trying to  _ tell  _ you that it was just  _ that  _ far from anything I was expecting.”

 

He was genuinely speechless, and it took a few moments for him to even gather his thoughts. “Alex… did you really think I asked you out because I thought I  _ had  _ to? Just to get sex?”

 

She shrugged, her face still turned away from him.

 

“So it didn’t occur to you that I might have  _ wanted  _ to go out with you?” He could see her tense up, and for a split second he wondered if it  _ had,  _ but she, for some reason, had chosen to believe her own version of events.

 

She snorted. “Of course not.”

 

He closed his eyes, trying to calm the adrenaline that was surging through his veins. “Alex, if you don’t want to go out with me, that’s fine. Just say so, but stop beating around the bush. I’m the one that  _ begs  _ you to stay instead of jumping out of bed as quickly as humanly possible, I’m the one who  _ asked you out  _ for God’s sake, so can we stop pretending  _ I  _ only want to get laid? I asked you out because I wanted to. End of story.”

 

She shook her head. “Well, you  _ shouldn’t. _ ”

 

“Shouldn’t what?”

 

She sighed. “ _ Want  _ to.”

 

He frowned. “Alex, I  _ really  _ don’t get it. Is this because you’re upset about the divorce stuff?”

 

He suddenly had her attention as she swung around, fixing him with a glare. “ _ What? _ ”

 

_ Oops. _

 

Deflated, he sighed. “Arthur told me,” he admitted.

 

With a sharp exhale, she turned and marched back into the bedroom. By the time he’d scrambled to his feet and followed her, she’d slid his shirt off her shoulders and was quickly gathering up her own clothes.

 

“I’m sorry,” he tried. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

 

“I should go,” she quipped, pulling her dress over her head, apparently not even bothering with underwear. “This was a mistake.”

 

“Why, Alex?” He moved towards the door in an attempt to block her path. “ _ Why  _ is it such a mistake?”

 

With a sigh, she sank down at the end of the bed, burying her face in her hands. “I honestly hadn’t  _ planned  _ to sleep with you that night. And then it was just… it was supposed to be  _ simple.” _

 

“I don’t get it Alex.” He threw his arms out. “Simple, unattached,  _ fine.  _ Then why don’t you just say so? All this  _ you don’t have to  _ and  _ you shouldn’t want to _ , that’s just complicating things isn’t it? Why can’t you just say  _ Matt, I don’t want to go out with you _ ?”

 

She shook her head. “Because,” she replied, her tone exasperated, “it’s not that simple.”

 

With a frustrated sigh, he sat down beside her. “Why not?”

 

“Things are just  _ really  _ complicated,” she pursed her lips, “as I’m sure Arthur already told you.”

 

“He didn’t tell me much, just that… he walked in on you crying, it was about the divorce and he was worried about you. No details, I promise.”  _ Best to leave out the bit about the cleaning cupboard,  _ he thought.

 

“I…” she sighed. “Well, honestly I didn’t think you actually  _ wanted  _ to ask me out; if I had, then… well, I don’t know. Maybe I would have handled it differently. But I just can’t…” her voice broke and he could see tears in her eyes. “I understand if you want to stop all of this, honestly.”

 

“I don’t,” he replied almost automatically. “I mean, if you need simple, we can do simple. Pizza, booze, telly, sex.” He smiled despite himself. “Or stew.”

 

She laughed quietly, a short huff of air from her nose that was barely audible, as she leaned her head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. 

 

“It’s ok,” he reassured her, burrowing his face in her hair, stroking her back gently. “It’s ok.”

 

*

 

It wasn’t ok, he mused a few weeks later.

 

It really wasn’t, but what could he do about it? He  _ should  _ end their arrangement but sex with Alex was probably the single most amazing thing he’d ever done, and they frequently spent entire evenings in each other’s flats, cooking, watching telly or just chatting. It was almost as if they were already  _ in  _ a relationship, and how could he give all that up? She still hadn’t said a word to him about the divorce either. In fact, that night with the stew had probably been the only moment of weakness she’d shown him. It was difficult to complain really;  _ my dream woman wants to fuck me every night and eat pizza in front of the telly but she doesn’t want to go on dates or let me call her my girlfriend.  _ Plenty of people had it worse, but he was still feeling this gaping hole inside because he  _ loved  _ her and he wasn’t allowed to even say it.

 

“Hey mopey head.” 

 

He looked up just in time to get a slap to the head from Karen. Damn, why was that girl so  _ violent _ ? “I’m not moping.”

 

“You look mopey. God knows why.” She had a dangerous twinkle in her eye. 

 

“What do you want?” He asked suspiciously.

 

“Not about what  _ I  _ want…” she teased.

 

He rolled his eyes. “Just come out with it.”

 

“Well,” she twined her hair around her fingers as she spoke, “I couldn’t sleep last night so I decided to do laundry. And as I was coming up the stairs, guess who I saw coming out of your flat at  _ 2 am _ ?”

 

_ Fuck. _

 

“We were just chatting, and it got late,” he replied nonchalantly, the tremble in his voice fooling precisely no one.

 

“Uh huh,” Karen nodded. “Was that why she was carrying her shoes, not to mention  _ bra and knickers _ in her hand?”

 

Matt groaned, letting his head fall forward into his hands. “ _ Please  _ don’t tell her.”

 

“Ok, ok, but you gotta spill.” Karen was practically bouncing. “How long have you been going out?”

 

“Three months, but we’re not  _ going out _ , ok? It’s just a casual thing.”

 

She frowned. “What do you mean  _ not going out _ ?”

 

“I mean, it’s just…” he didn’t even know what to call it himself, “a  _ thing. _ ”

 

“You mean just sex?” She asked flatly, her eyebrows raised further than eyebrows should go.

 

He hesitated, not really wanting to agree, but also not having much choice. “Basically, yeah.”

 

“Oh.” Her voice and demeanour had suddenly turned frosty as she looked away from him, her arms crossed over her chest.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing,” she shook her head. “I just didn’t think you were that kind of guy.”

 

“ _ What?” _

 

“I mean,” she continued, “I know you’ve had some one night stands or whatever, but casual sex for  _ three months _ ? With  _ Alex? _ I just… didn’t think you were like that.” 

 

He wasn’t going to, he really wasn’t, but the injustice of it all, and he had to: “it’s not  _ me! _ ”

 

She frowned. “What?”

 

He looked around to make sure they were alone - really he should have done that earlier. “I  _ want  _ to go out with her. I asked her on a date, but…”

 

Karen’s eyes widened. “What did she say?”

 

“Apparently she thought I was only doing it because I thought I had to, you know, cause of the sex. And then I told her I  _ wanted to  _ and she…”

 

“What?”

 

“I don’t know. All she said was  _ you shouldn’t _ . What does that even mean?”

 

She bit her lip. “I don’t know. Do you think it’s the age difference thing?”

 

He shrugged. “Maybe? I don’t know. I don’t see why it matters really.”

 

“Other people’s perception, maybe?” Karen suggested. “There’s an awful double standard when it comes to older women with younger men.”

 

“Yeah, but…” he sighed. “I don’t see why she wouldn’t just tell me that. All she’ll say is  _ it’s complicated. _ ”

 

“But you’re still sleeping with her?”

 

“I  _ know,  _ ok? I just… I don’t want to lose her. I asked her to just  _ tell  _ me if she didn’t want to date me. That would at least make all this a bit easier to understand. But she won’t.”

 

“She just said  _ you  _ shouldn’t want to?”

 

He nodded.

 

“Ok Mattyboy,” Karen leaned forward with a grin. “You’ve come to the right place. We need a plan.”


	6. Date Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This plan of Karen’s had to work, or the result was only going to be more heartbreak because this romance she was trying to introduce was certainly having an effect on him.

“This isn’t going to work,” Matt complained.

 

Karen rolled her eyes. “And why not? Look, it’s perfect. Arthur and I are there, so she can’t say it’s a  _ date  _ but we’ll make it as date-like as possible and you’ll act super romantic…”

 

“One date is hardly going to change her mind, even if it wasn’t a fake date.”

 

“Of course not,” she sighed. “This is just part one of the plan. But the first thing is we’ve got to get her to see you as a romantic option. The thing is, you went about it all wrong. You’re supposed to woo the girl and romance her  _ before  _ you start with the wild shagging. You went straight for the sex so you’ve skipped a step. That means you have to go totally back to basics, change her view of you from, well,  _ fuckbuddy  _ to potential partner.”

 

“Karen,” he ran his fingers through his hair, “where are you  _ getting  _ this from?”

 

“Um.” She looked at him sheepishly. “The internet?”

 

“Great,” he muttered. “And I’m letting you take charge of this because…?”

 

“Well, because you haven’t exactly done a great job so far,” she retorted.

 

He couldn’t exactly argue with that. It seemed underhand though, tricking Alex into a date by pretending it wasn’t a date. And he was somewhat concerned about what the next steps of the  _ plan  _ was. On the other hand, he had no better ideas… “All right,” he sighed. “We’ll try your date idea. What do we tell Arthur though?”

 

She shrugged. “Same thing we tell Alex; it’s just dinner with friends. Easier that way and less likely to seem obvious than if we’re all in on it.”

 

Matt nodded. He considered for a moment whether he should mention to her that Arthur  _ knew,  _ at least part of it, but then he’d have to tell her about the crying in the dressing room and, well, it was too complicated. Besides, Arthur didn’t know he wanted to be with Alex, not really. “I think it’s best if you do the inviting.”

 

Karen nodded. “Don’t worry, I’ve got it all in hand.”

 

*

 

“When you said  _ grab something to eat  _ I sort of thought you meant the pub,” Alex commented as they entered the restaurant. 

 

“What, I can’t be fancy once in a while?” Karen asked innocently. 

 

Matt looked around. It really was the perfect setting for a date. The restaurant had candles on each table which provided most of the lighting, aided by some dim, discreet ceiling lamps. Each table was immaculately made up with cream tablecloths that nearly reached the floor and the waiters were walking around in full suit and tie combos. This definitely would be the perfect date -  minus Karen and Arthur.

 

The host led them to the table Karen had booked, which was tucked away in a corner and seemed to be one of the few tables in the restaurant that weren’t made to seat two. As Alex went to sit down opposite Karen, the younger woman hopped up from her seat, blaming a non existent draught and moving to the other side of the table with a discreet wink at Matt.

 

“Are you sure you want to sit there darling?” Alex asked him. “If it’s draughty we can always ask to move.”

 

He shook his head. “No, no, it’s fine. I barely feel it.”

 

They picked up the menus and Karen immediately ordered red wine for the table. “You can just leave the bottle,” she told the waiter once he’d poured a small amount in each of their glasses.

 

“So,” Alex asked curiously. “Are we celebrating something?”

 

“No,” Karen replied without looking up from her menu. “Why?”

 

“I mean, it is a little odd,” Arthur agreed. “You didn’t mention we were going to the most romantic restaurant in town when you said  _ let’s get something to eat. _ ”

 

Matt felt he had to jump in. “It’s nice though,” he tried to defend Karen. “I mean, it’s a change from the pub.”

 

No one seemed to disagree with that, and as Matt waited for the others to decide what to order, he looked at Alex over the top of his menu, finding himself  _ pretending  _ the others weren’t there, that this really  _ was  _ a date.  _ How pathetic can you get? _ Still, her golden curls illuminated by the flickering of the candles, her nose curling slightly in concentration, the way she slowly, thoughtfully sipped on her wine, oh, he was  _ gone.  _

 

This plan of Karen’s had to work, or the result was only going to be more heartbreak because this romance she was trying to introduce was certainly having an effect on  _ him.  _

 

But despite his doubts about her ability to pull this off, he discovered throughout the evening she was actually doing a remarkable job. She managed to keep Arthur constantly occupied in conversation, leaving him and Alex to… well, to each other.

 

“How’s your food?” 

 

She looked up at him just as she was putting the fork in her mouth. Smiling as she chewed, she waved her hands in the air indicating towards her mouth. Like that wasn’t where he was already looking anyway. “Mm,” she replied eventually. “It’s amazing. Here, try a bit.” She scooped up a generous helping of rice and salmon on her fork and, holding her hand cautiously under it, guided it to his mouth.

 

It really was good. And now he’d get to return the gesture. “Try some of mine?” She nodded and he smiled, spearing some steak onto his fork and dipping it in sauce. As he placed the utensil in her mouth, she closed her lips around it and he slowly pulled it back out as she let out a groan of pleasure.

 

_ Fuck.  _ If this continued, his trousers weren’t going to fit much longer, and  _ not  _ because of the food.

 

“Stop with the eyesex already,” Arthur muttered very quietly next to him. Karen had apparently heard, as he appeared to receive a sharp kick under the table. Alex, thankfully, seemed blissfully unaware.

 

“So,” he had to think of something to dial down the heat a little. “How much longer are you gonna be with us?”

 

“Another month,” Alex replies, setting down her fork and taking a sip of wine. “Then I’m back in LA for the summer, and I think I’m coming here again around October-time.” 

 

He swallowed. So basically, he had a month. No one waited around that long for a  _ fuckbuddy  _ as Karen had so graciously dubbed it.

 

“Are you going to have any breaks from filming?”

 

“Um…” he tried to gather his thoughts again. “I think we have July off. Or at least most of July.”

 

“Ah,” she nodded. “Any plans?”

 

“Not really. There was a convention but it got cancelled so I think I’ll probably just go see my parents for a while.”

 

She continued chewing for a while before casually remarking; “you could come visit if you wanted to. I mean, I know it’s quite far but…”

 

“That’d be great,” he blurted out, not even letting her finish the sentence.

 

She looked up and smiled.

 

He had to remind himself it didn’t  _ mean  _ anything. Friends invited friends to stay all the time and, besides, she was probably thinking of sex, not romance. Still, actually staying with her… he definitely liked that idea.

 

Once they’d finished their meal, Matt offered to pay - Karen’s idea as it would be a “date” thing to do, although the benefits to  _ her  _ weren’t lost on him - so he simply gave the waiter his card despite protests from both Alex and Arthur, electing to not even  _ look  _ at the bill. He’d be eating beans on toast for the rest of the month, unless Alex cooked for him.

 

They shared a cab back and Karen immediately dragged Arthur away to “look at something”, leaving him to walk Alex to her door.

 

Looking around her, she smirked before dragging him inside, kicking the door shut behind them and quickly shedding her coat and shoes. Then she was on him in a second, pulling his head down to kiss her, her fingers tangling in his hair.

 

“If those two hadn’t been there,” she gasped as she pulled him back towards the sofa, “ _ god  _ I wanted you right there; I think I would have sucked you off under the table or dragged you into the bathroom or something.” Her knees hit the back of the sofa and she dropped down onto it, sending him tumbling down on top of her.

 

His hands found the hem of her dress and began pushing the skirt out of the way, his fingers travelling up her thigh and she gasped, throwing her head back against the armrest. He reached her knickers and quickly pulled them down, his fingers teasing the curls between her legs.

 

“Is that what you wanted?” He asked with a smirk.

 

She groaned and pushed herself against him, desperate for more friction. Meanwhile, her hands frantically began to unbutton his shirt, pausing here and there to stroke her palms against the exposed skin.

 

As his shirt hit the floor, he suddenly plunged two fingers inside her, curling them just right to hit her sweet spot. Alex cried out, her hands blindly grasping for leverage against his chest. With his other hand, he roughly pulled her dress down until it rested under her breasts, leaning forward to take a nipple into his mouth. His tongue swirled around it, drawing circles as he slowly fucked her with his fingers.

 

Alex whined, lifting her hips up off the sofa, pushing against his fingers. Wanting more. With her breast in his mouth and his fingers deep inside her, he barely noticed what she was doing until his trousers were pulled down and his hard cock popped out of his boxers.

 

With a growl, he abandoned her breast to kiss her aggressively, pushing his tongue into her mouth just as he pushed his fingers into her cunt. She grabbed his shoulders and pulled herself up, his fingers leaving her as he sought to balance himself against the sofa. Both on their knees now, Alex pushed him against the opposite armrest and, lifting her skirt out of the way, climbed on top of him.

 

He breathed heavily as he waited for her next move, his throbbing cock resting against her inner thigh. Biting her lip, she lifted herself up and, grasping the base of him, guided him inside her. She sank down slowly, her eyes closed and her mouth slowly open, her face an image of pure bliss as she took all of him in. 

 

He let his head fall back against the armrest as he watched her move above him. Her hair was a halo around her head, her lips were swollen, and her dress was still sitting underneath her exposed breasts. She looked…  _ wanton,  _ for lack of a better word. 

 

He loved it.

 

She began to move, lifting herself almost all of the way up before slamming back down with a groan. He lifted his hands to grab her breasts, toying with her nipples as she continued working herself on his cock.

 

She moaned, pushing her chest out. His hands travelled to her back, forcing her down towards him until he could take her breast in his mouth, sucking and licking at her nipples. The new angle was obviously working for her as she began grinding against him each time she took him inside, her hips moving in a circular motion, rubbing her clit against his pelvis.

 

He could feel he was close, and by the sound of Alex’s moans, which were becoming more and more intense, so was she.

 

“Oh fuck,” she gasped in his ear, and immediately began to lose her rhythm, grinding desperately against him as her cunt spasmed and contracted. Grabbing her hips, he began to thrust up into her, the contractions gripping his cock in the most delicious way and it wasn’t long before he was crying out into her shoulder, the last shudders of her orgasm milking him for his.

 

Panting, she collapsed on top of him, her breasts pressing against his bare chest. “Been wanting to do that all night,” she whispered breathlessly. 

 

He kissed the side of her neck gently, his hands soothingly stroking her back. “Mm. Me too.”

 

She shuffled to the side slightly, letting him slip out of her. There wasn’t enough room to lie side by side, but she arranged herself a little more comfortably with her head resting on his chest. “So what do you think that was all about?” She asked after a few minutes of silence.

 

“What do you mean,” he mumbled, already half-asleep.

 

“You know, this evening Karen planned. Do you think she might be interested in Arthur?”

 

He frowned. “What?”

 

She pushed herself up slightly so she could look at him, resting her chin in her hands on his chest. “That was a  _ date  _ restaurant she took us to, Matt. And didn’t you notice how she tried to get him on his own all evening. It’s like you and I weren’t even  _ there.  _ I’ll admit, I felt like we were a bit of a third wheel on someone else’s date,” she chuckled. 

 

Matt closed his eyes tightly. “I, um… well, she hasn’t said anything to me.”

 

“And then when we got back, she was  _ very  _ keen to get him on his own, wasn’t she?” Alex continued thoughtfully.

 

“I don’t know,” Matt tried not to sound guilty. “It’s none of our business really, even if that  _ is  _ the case.”

 

“I suppose not,” Alex sighed. “Still, they’d be nice together.”

 

He didn’t respond, except by tightening his arms around her back as she tried to pull away. “Stay?”

 

She sighed. “You know I can’t.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because, it’s… too complicated.” She looked at him pleadingly. “We talked about this.”

 

He closed his eyes, relenting. Almost apologetically, she slipped away and arranged her dress, picked up her knickers and whispered a hurried goodbye.

 

As soon as she left, he picked up his phone.

 

_ The romance thing didn’t work. _

 

A reply came through in seconds.

 

_ What do you mean it didn’t work stupid face? xx _

 

_ Still not gonna stay the night. _

 

He waited for a reply, but instead his phone began to ring.

 

“Hello?”

 

“ _ You slept with her _ ?” Karen’s voice on the other end of the line was stern.

 

“So?”

 

A deep sigh. “ _ You were meant to be a gentleman, Matt. Drop her at the door with a kiss, not expecting more. Like a proper boring first date.” _

 

“Well, I…” he protested. “It wasn’t exactly  _ my  _ idea, if you catch my meaning. Besides, I don’t think she got the point of the  _ date  _ at all.”

 

“ _ She wasn’t supposed to think it was a date.” _

 

“Oh, she thought it was a date all right,” he replied pointedly. “For you and Arthur.”

 

Silence. Then,  _ “what?!?” _

 

“Well, apparently because you were talking to him all night, basically ignoring us -”

 

“ _ I was doing that so you and Alex could have a date!” _

 

“ _ I  _ know. She doesn’t.” He sighed. “I don’t know about this Kaz, maybe I just need to… give up, or… or give it time, maybe…”

 

_ “No, no, no!”  _ Her protests were so loud he had to move the phone several inches from his ear.  _ “You can’t give up at the first hurdle, Matt. We’re going to get you your girl. I just need to think of the next step.” _

 

He paused for a moment. “Ok,” he agreed, against his better judgement and, well, all sense in the universe really. “Fine. We’ll try it your way.”

 

Whatever her next step was, he just hoped it didn’t kill him.


	7. Cynthia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cynthia’s eyes widened. “Oh my god, you’re Matt Smith,” she squealed. Her Scottish accent was less pronounced than Karen’s, but still recognisable. “I am such a big fan.” She reached out, her hand stroking suggestively down his arm, pausing briefly at his bicep. “You’re even better in person,” she grinned.

Whatever the next step in Karen’s plan was, she was keeping tight-lipped about it, and as the days passed and nothing happened, Matt was  _ kind of  _ starting to hope she had given up. As much as he wanted her plan to work, he wasn’t too sure it wasn’t all going to end up in disaster. At this point, it was fifty-fifty. 

 

At least Alex hadn’t caught on, because that really  _ would  _ be a disaster. Everything seemed normal enough between them. Well, as normal as things could be when you were casually fucking your co-worker with whom you were desperately in love. Still. Normal was relative, after all.

 

And then, on a Monday morning after he’d spent an amazing weekend barely leaving the bedroom, Karen turned up with a smirk on her face and a stranger in tow. A rather gorgeous stranger; nearly as tall as Karen with long, shiny blonde hair and cleavage that… well, he wasn’t going to think about that. 

 

“Matt, hi! This is my friend Cynthia, she’s come to visit me for a few days.” Karen was talking to him, but her eyes kept darting over to Alex who was standing several yards away, as if making sure she was paying attention.

 

Cynthia’s eyes widened. “Oh my god, you’re Matt Smith,” she squealed. Her Scottish accent was less pronounced than Karen’s, but still recognisable. “I am  _ such  _ a big fan.” She reached out, her hand stroking suggestively down his arm, pausing briefly at his bicep. “You’re even better in person,” she grinned.

 

“Uh,” Matt took a step back, pulling away gently. “Thanks?”

 

Karen cleared her throat. “Matt, can I just ask you about something?” She nodded her head towards the nearby props room. Confused and fairly eager to get away from this strange girl, he nodded.

 

“It’s ok,” she whispered as they got inside. “Cynthia’s not some crazy stalker or something. She’s actually recently married. I was a bridesmaid.”

 

He frowned. “Huh?”

 

Karen rolled her eyes. “She’s  _ in on it _ .”

 

“ _ I’m  _ not even  _ in on it _ ,” Matt protested.

 

“Look.” Karen spoke slowly, as though trying to explain something to a confused toddler. “Cynthia’s gonna fawn over you, act all into you, you act flattered but  _ not  _ interested.”

 

“And what exactly is this going to achieve?”

 

She sighed. “Alex will realise that unless she stops faffing about and stakes her claim someone else might snap you up.”

 

Matt paused for a second. “This is crazy.”

 

“Look, trust me, ok? Alex is going to realise you might not wait around forever. And things are always more attractive when someone else wants them. You don’t even have to do anything; it’s probably better if you don’t. We want to make Alex jealous, not piss her off.”

 

“You’re  _ way  _ too invested in this,” Matt groaned.

 

“Call it living vicariously. It’s not like  _ I  _ have a love life right now. Besides, I quite fancy making a speech at your wedding about how it was all because of me.” She grinned.

 

“Oh for God’s sake.” He shook his head. “Fine. But she can’t get in the way of work. She’s  _ your  _ guest.” He pushed the door open, returning to the studio floor. Having expected Cynthia would be waiting for Karen outside, he was confused when he didn’t see her. Looking around, he spotted her enthusiastically talking to Alex, who was wearing a strained smile, her arms crossed over her chest.

 

“What is she doing?” He hissed.

 

“Oh…” Karen came out of the room, looking over at Cynthia and Alex. “I’m not sure. She might be improvising. It’s not like I gave her a script.”

 

“Well, make her stop!” It was one thing for this girl to pretend to flirt with him, but he didn’t want her manipulating Alex. Although technically, that’s exactly what she’d be doing by flirting with him.

 

He really didn’t like this plan.

 

“Ok, ok.” Karen jogged over to the two women, pulling Cynthia away. Alex visibly relaxed as they walked away and he decided to check in with her.

 

“You all right?” He asked. “She’s a bit full on, isn’t she? Karen’s friend.”

 

She laughed. “Yes, a little. She was telling me about wanting to be an actor, but she was talking a mile a minute, I don’t think I caught nearly half of it.”

 

“Oh!” She gave him an odd look and he realised the apparent relief in his voice. Actually, if she wanted to be an actor that kind of explained why she had agreed to this in the first place. “Um, so anyway,” he decided to change the subject, “movie night later?”

 

“I thought that was yesterday?” she replied with a grin.

 

“ _ Yes, _ ” he whispered, “but we never got to watch it, did we?”

 

Her grin widened as she ran her eyes up and down him like she was running an instant replay. “Oh yes, I remember. Sure, movie night then.” 

 

*

 

Later on he thought Cynthia definitely  _ could  _ be an actress, at least if she was only cast in roles that required her to make people really,  _ really  _ uncomfortable. Every time he turned around, it seemed as though she was there, fluttering her eyelashes, flicking her hair and throwing out compliments. Whenever they were filming, she was on the sidelines, staring at him with wide, adoring eyes.  _ He  _ was almost falling for the charade, and he knew exactly what was going on.

 

She caught up with him as he was leaving, grabbing his arm and running her hand seductively down his shoulderblade. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Alex stop on her way out, looking back at him.

 

“Um, hi Cynthia.” He gently extricated himself from her grip and threw a glance back to where he’d seen Alex.

 

She was gone.

 

“Oh,” Cynthia stepped back. “I was about to ask if you wanted to go for a drink, but she’s left now so I guess there’s not much point.” Her demeanour was completely changed from what he’d seen of her so far, and it briefly struck him he probably could have been friends with this girl, if he wasn’t going to forever associate her with the fanatic who’d been stalking him all day.

 

“Um, yeah, I… I think it’s probably enough now, right?” He scratched the back of his head, avoiding looking at her.

 

“Ok,” she shrugged. “Hey, I really admire your dedication by the way. Karen told me everything. I mean, I get it. I’m straight, but…” she looked over to where Alex had disappeared, “ _ shit _ , right?”

 

He laughed. “Right.”

 

“So good luck with it,” she slapped his arm lightly. “And, you know, if it doesn’t work out… give her my number.” She giggled as she swung around on her heel, walking back towards Karen’s dressing room.

 

“Hey,” he called out.

 

She stopped and turned around. “Yeah?”

 

“I really think you could become an actress, by the way.”

 

Her face broke out into a wide grin. “Wow. Thanks. That… means a lot.”

 

He smiled at her before turning towards the doors, heading back to his flat. It had been a tough day, more so than usual with Cynthia hanging around, and he was looking forward to a quiet night in with the possibility - ok, near enough guarantee - of sex at the end of it. 

 

There were still traces of the past weekend in his flat; cups of half-drunk tea on the counters, sofa cushions on the floor, and an entirely untouched bowl of popcorn from the movie-night that wasn’t.

 

He smirked at that.

 

Beginning to tidy up, he found a couple of takeaway menus and threw them on the coffee table, really not having the energy to cook. Alex would normally come over after having a shower and changing and with the amount of time she took to dry her hair that gave him at least…

 

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts.

 

He went and opened it to find her standing there, still in the same clothes as earlier and with a nervous look on her face. “Hey. Wasn’t expecting you til later. Do you wanna get some food or…?”

 

“Um.” She wrapped her arms around herself and looked down, shuffling her feet awkwardly against the floor. “Actually, I just… can we talk?”

 

He nodded, stepping out of the way so she could enter. 

 

Gingerly, she sat down on the end of the sofa, pulling her hair behind her ears as she looked around her anxiously.

 

“What’s the matter?” He sat down next to her, moving the popcorn bowl out of the way.

 

“I just realised we never talked about…” she took a deep, shaky breath. “If you were to… I mean, if  _ either  _ of us, if we wanted to date or… you know, if we met someone then… this would have to stop. Even if it’s just dating non-exclusively, I just wouldn’t… I think we should stop.”

 

“Ok,” he nodded slowly. “That makes sense.” He waited for a moment to see if she was going to say anything else. “Um… is that everything? Do you still want to…”

 

“So, I mean…” she avoided his gaze again. “So you’d tell me? I mean, if you were interested in someone, if we needed to stop this.”

 

_ As if.  _ He nodded. “Of course.”

 

“Ok.” She looked as though she was still waiting for something, her shoulders tense and her hands twitching uncomfortably.

 

“I’m not,” he clarified.

 

“What?” She looked up at him, finally.

 

“Interested in someone else.”

 

“Oh.” She paused. “I just thought because today…”

 

“Not interested.”

 

“Ok.” She looked down again, her hand twisting her bracelet around her wrist, again and again. “But…  _ why? _ ”

 

He frowned. “ _ Why? _ ”

 

“Yes, I mean she’s...she’s clearly into you, she’s young, she’s beautiful, she’s…”

 

“Not you,” he interrupted her.

 

She bit her lip. “Matt, you can’t… this thing we have, it shouldn’t… shouldn’t stop you from finding something… something  _ real _ .”

 

“I don’t want…” he paused, not sure how to express himself. “That,” he finished clumsily. 

 

“But…”

 

“Look, Alex, I… I can’t help how I feel.” He sighed. “I know you don’t feel that way, but…”

 

“That’s not…” she tightened her grip on the bracelet. “It’s just not that simple. It’s not that I don’t…” she trailed off, shaking her head.”

 

“Look, if you’re worried that I’m… that you’re stopping me from going with someone I’m interested in then you don’t have to be, because I’m  _ not. _ ” This reassurance was probably the opposite of Karen’s plan, but at this point Karen’s plan could, quite frankly, go screw itself. 

 

She sniffed, her hair falling like a curtain across her face as she looked down, away from him. “Maybe that  _ is  _ what I’m worried about,” she said quietly. 

 

He frowned. “I don’t understand.”

 

She quickly wiped her sleeve across her face. “There’s a gorgeous girl all over you and you’re  _ not interested.  _ I just don’t know if… maybe this is  _ bad  _ for you.”

 

“So what if I’m not interested?” He waved one arm out in an exasperated motion, knocking the bowl of day-old popcorn onto the floor. The noise caused her to look up in alarm, and he could see there were tears rolling down her cheeks. His heart sank.

 

She closed her eyes and sighed, kneeling on the floor to start picking up the popcorn. “Because what if you miss it? Maybe not with this girl, but with someone, some day. Because you’re hung up on  _ this _ . Because we  _ act  _ like we’re in a relationship. I mean,  _ look  _ at all this!” She motioned at the popcorn on the floor. “But we’re not, and I don’t want you to miss out.”

 

“And what exactly am I missing out on?” He was nearly shouting and had to remind himself to lower his voice back down. “Why can we do all the relationship stuff but we can’t actually be in a relationship?”

 

She continued to meticulously pick up the popcorn. “Because we can’t,” she replied, her voice strangled.

 

“Oh for God’s sake, forget the bloody popcorn. Why, Alex?”

 

She stood up, wiping her nose with the back of her sleeve as tears continued to run down her face. “Because I’m bad for you!” She shouted.

 

He didn’t know what to say. “Alex, I…” he stumbled over the words, not sure how to respond to something that was so obviously  _ ludicrous.  _ “I don’t know how you can say that,” he finished quietly.

 

“Because it’s true,” she whispered, her arms wrapped around herself, as if she was seeking protection from something.

 

From him?

 

“It really, really isn’t.” He wanted to say more, to completely  _ destroy  _ whatever warped image she had of herself, but he had nothing to go on. “Why would it be?”

 

“I can’t, Matt,” she sobbed. “I want… I just want you to be happy. You can’t  _ have  _ that with me.” She pushes past him and sped towards the door. When it slammed behind her it felt like a punch to his face as he stood, surrounded by popcorn and wondering what exactly had just happened.


	8. Last Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After such a short period of time being with Alex - even without really being with her - he felt as though it had always been this way. Losing her was...unthinkable. What would it be like after months, after a year? How would it feel when she, inevitably, decided she didn’t want to do it anymore?

Karen cornered him the next day almost as soon as he arrived at work. “So,” she whispered, her face lit up with excitement. “I’ve thought of the next step of the plan…”

 

“No,” he cut her off immediately. “No more plan.”

 

Her face fell. “Why not?”

 

“Because,” he hissed. “It’s just making things  _ worse. _ ”

 

“Cynthia didn’t make her jealous?” Her voice was sympathetic, if a little disappointed.

 

He shrugged, letting out a big sigh. “I don’t know. I haven’t got a bloody clue what happened, but somehow it landed up with her being angry with me for  _ not  _ wanting to go off with Cynthia.”

 

Karen frowned. “I don’t get it.”

 

“Well, maybe she wasn’t exactly angry at that point. But she was all worried that this  _ thing  _ we have would stop me from having a real relationship. And, well…” he scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “It kind of went on from there. And then she left.”

 

“Did you tell her you wanted that relationship with  _ her? _ ”

 

“Pretty much, yeah. But she’s convinced she’s bad for me, and I don’t even know if that’s true or if she just doesn’t want to say she doesn’t want to be with me.”

 

“Man,” Karen sighed. “She’s really hung up on this age difference thing, isn’t she?”

 

“You really think that’s it?”

 

“It’s got to be, right? I mean, it makes sense. I told you before, the world doesn’t look kindly on older women with younger men. Other way around is all right, apparently.” She rolled her eyes. “But there’s other stuff too. You know she couldn’t get pregnant even when she was younger, not without a lot of IVF so  _ now _ … I mean, she can’t give you children. And maybe that doesn’t bother you but it probably does her. I know the age thing sounds like a cop out but maybe it isn’t. And if that’s the case, no tricks I can come up with can fix it.”

 

“So how do I fix it?”

 

“I don’t know. You’d have to show her that you truly,  _ truly  _ understand and accept these issues. You can’t brush them under the carpet and pretend they don’t matter, because they do.”

 

He opened his mouth about to argue that  _ of course  _ none of those things mattered. But he quickly closed it again, because of course they  _ did.  _ Not that any of them would  _ stop  _ him from being with her, but he couldn’t honestly say it didn’t matter at  _ all. _

 

Having biological children wasn’t important to him, not really. He wasn’t sure he wanted them at all, but if he decided he did, adoption would be just fine. He’d prefer it if the media wouldn’t hound them, mainly for  _ her  _ sake. But of course things would be  _ easier  _ if they were the same age. If he was older she wouldn’t assume he’d want kids one day, the rags would probably (mostly) leave them alone.

 

So yes, it did matter. But not nearly as much as she might have thought. 

 

“What if it’s not about that though?” he asked quietly.

 

Karen frowned. “What?”

 

“What if she…” he sighed deeply, not wanting to form the words, but he  _ had  _ to, because it was a real possibility. “What if she genuinely doesn’t feel that way about me? And I’m just… making excuses.”

 

“She said she was  _ bad for you, _ ” Karen reminded him.

 

“Well, yeah.” He shrugged. “And that could mean all the stuff you just said, or… or it could mean because she doesn’t like me like that, it’s bad for me to fall even harder.” He swallowed. “I don’t know, I feel like I’m pushing and pushing, because I believe all this stuff you said, that it’s all about insecurity; but in reality maybe I’m being  _ that guy  _ who… who thinks he’s entitled to get what he wants, no matter what. And I’m just believing what I do because I  _ want  _ to.” He looked at Karen, silently pleading with her to jump in, protest, tell him that there was no way.

 

But she avoided his gaze. 

 

“Karen?”

 

She bit her lip. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “I mean, it could be. Although she’s obviously attracted to you, god knows why, but… I guess it’s possible she genuinely doesn’t want more. But Matt, if that’s the case… you need to stop.”

 

His head snapped up. “What?”

 

“You’re gonna really get yourself hurt like this. You’re  _ pretending  _ you’re in a relationship with her. The longer you go on with it, the more it’s gonna hurt.”

 

He didn’t want to admit it, but she was right. After such a short period of time being with Alex - even without really  _ being  _ with her - he felt as though it had always been this way. Losing her was...unthinkable. What would it be like after months, after a year? How would it feel when she, inevitably, decided she didn’t want to do it anymore? If she met someone else and he had to pretend he was fine with it because, after all, they were never together in the first place. “Maybe you’re right.” He blinked a few times, trying to hold back the annoying tears that were making themselves known. “I need to give up at some point, I can’t be the guy who won’t take a hint forever. Just… I’ll go visit her in LA. She already invited me, assuming it still stands. And if after that, she doesn’t… I’ll have to quit.”

 

Karen nodded. “For what it’s worth I think she  _ does  _ like you. When Cynthia was all over you, she looked… well, she kind of looked like you do right now. Kicked puppy and all that. But if she’s so determined not to admit it, I…” she shrugged defeatedly. “I just don’t know.”

 

They both abruptly stopped as Alex walked in, looking straight at him then quickly averting her eyes, tightening her grip on the bag she was carrying as her steps sped up. Was she still angry with him? 

 

No, it didn’t look like anger. With a deep breath, he followed her, and managed to grab her just before she entered her dressing room.

 

“Matt!” she gasped. “I… sorry, I didn’t see you.”

 

She was a terrible liar. “We should probably talk.” He’d meant to come across strong and confident, like he could handle this, but what came out of his mouth sounded more like a frightened 5-year old asking for reassurance.

 

She hesitated briefly, then motioned to her dressing room. Closing the door behind them, she leaned against it for a second, her eyes closed, as if gathering strength. “I’m really sorry, Matt.”

 

He had not expected that. “What?”

 

She bit her lip, still avoiding looking directly at him. “I was completely out of order last night,” she explained, her voice somehow… small? “I honestly only came to say… well, you know, what I said about stopping this if you were interested in someone. It was ridiculous for me to push you about it, like you’re…” she let out a small nervous laugh as she shook her head, “like you’re  _ obliged  _ to, or…”

 

“No, no, I get it,” he hurried to say.  _ Did he?  _ He wasn’t sure, but he’d probably have said anything to stop her looking so vulnerable. “I mean, I sort of do. You’re scared that I’m gonna miss out on having a relationship because I’m…”  _ because I’m trying to have one with you,  _ he finished silently in his own head. He didn’t want to speak the words, fearful of starting that argument all over again, but she  _ knew.  _ Of course she knew.

 

“Yes,” she replied. “I am scared, I suppose. But I still… it’s not up to me to decide that.”

 

He walked over to her, placing one finger under her chin, tilting her head up to face him. Her eyes were shiny and questioning as his other hand moved to the side of her face, cupping her cheek. Slowly, he leaned in, his lips closing over hers;  _ the answer to her question.  _

 

_ I’m right here Alex,  _ he willed his mind to say,  _ I’m not going anywhere.  _ But declarations of love were not welcome, he  _ knew  _ that; at least not in words, not spoken. So instead, he poured all his emotion into kissing her, hoping that  _ some  _ of what he felt might, somehow, get through to her.

 

He didn’t expect the  _ hunger  _ in her response. She flung her arms around his neck, her fingers grasping at his hair as she pushed herself up against him, moaning into his mouth.

 

Before he really knew what was happening, he found himself sitting on the low dressing table, his back pressed against the mirror as Alex, grabbing onto his shoulders, climbed on top of him. 

 

“Are you sure?” she gasped, pulling her face away from him.

 

He didn’t know quite what she meant but nodded frantically anyway. He saw…  _ something  _ flash across her face, very very briefly. Guilt? Regret? He wasn’t sure, but it was soon gone, and he wasn’t really looking at her face anymore because she was pulling her shirt off and  _ bye bye brain.  _

 

She leaned in and kissed him again, now planted firmly astride his lap, her breasts brushing against his chest which was frustratingly clothed. He pulled away, eliciting a whine from Alex, to free himself of the offending fabric. As the shirt was going over his head, she busied herself working on unbuttoning his jeans. 

 

By the time he’d flung his shirt on the floor, she’d managed to get his cock out and was stroking it slowly, holding herself above him. He groaned and moved her skirt out of the way, fingers probing, searching. He pushed her knickers to the side and she immediately got the hint. With a grin, she lowered herself down onto him, letting out a gasp as he filled her completely.

 

It had only been two days but it felt like he hadn’t been inside her for  _ ages  _ and he never wanted to be anywhere else again. Realising she didn’t have much leverage to move, her knees awkwardly perched on each side of his lap, he grabbed her hips tightly and began to move her up and down. Biting her lip and groaning loudly, she grabbed his shoulders to lift herself up better.

 

Once they’d worked up a rhythm and he was confident they weren’t going to fall to the floor, he leaned forward to take a nipple in his mouth, swirling his tongue around it as he continued to bounce her up and down on his lap. 

 

“Oh god Matt,” she gasped, her grip tightening on the back of his neck as she ground herself down on him and arching her back, pushing her breast into his mouth. Taking the hint, he sucked down hard on her nipple.

 

He could tell she was close by the noises she was making and the way she was using her leverage on his shoulders to pick up the pace, grinding her clit against him everything she slammed back down. Determined to bring her over the edge before he came himself, he started thrusting up at the angle he’d learned drove her crazy.

 

Just when he thought he couldn’t hold off anymore, she leaned forward and gave a muffled shout into his shoulder. A couple more thrusts and he had to bite down on his own tongue to keep from screaming her name loud enough for the whole studio to hear.

 

Panting, she slid off him and down to the floor. She smiled at him as she adjusted her underwear and retrieved her top from the floor. “I’m gonna miss this,” she commented as she pulled it over her head. At his confused look, she added: “when I go back to LA I mean.”

 

“Oh.” It had been a while since she’d invited him and he wasn’t sure if he was still welcome after… well, everything. “Yeah, me too.”

 

“I mean you can still, you know, come visit if you want to.” She avoided looking at him while she spoke, very quickly, almost as though she thought  _ he  _ might have changed his mind.

 

“Of course!” If he sounded a little  _ too  _ enthusiastic, it didn’t really matter much. He’d long since eliminated any chance of playing aloof.

 

She still looked hesitant. “I mean, I don’t know how much we’ll be able to do…  _ this,”  _ she motioned awkwardly around her, “with Salome around. I mean, she’ll go to bed at some point but it won’t be like we can just… shag all day.” She laughed nervously.

 

He shrugged. “That’s ok.” Although he obviously enjoyed the sex - who could  _ not  _ \- it was the prospect of staying with Alex, whole days at her house with no work or anything to get in the way that really excited him.

 

She bit her lip. “If you’re sure. I… I just don’t want you to come all the way over and then it’s not, well, what you expected.”

 

“Honestly, as long as I get to spend time with you, I’m happy.”  _ Oops. Too much? _

 

A small smile played on her lips. “All right then. Looking forward to it.”

 

He nodded. So was he, of course, but what he had said to Karen earlier was playing on his mind and filling him with a sense of dread. If nothing changed on this trip… he had to give her up. It felt almost wrong not to tell her, but the idea of an ultimatum - and that’s what it would be - didn’t sit right with him either.

 

With a deep breath, he followed her out of the dressing room. No, he couldn’t tell her how much was riding on this trip. All he could do was see how it played out and just hope everything didn’t fall apart.

 


End file.
